My advice to the class of '99;
Eat gateau.
If I could offer you only one food for digestion
Gateau would be it.
Long-term benefits of gateau should be claimed by Sarah Lea
However the rest of my advice
Has no basis, more reliable than my own mastication experience.
I will dispense this advice ... now.
Enjoy the calories and kilo joules of your food
But avoid GM produce.
You cannot enjoy the flavours and variety of real food until it's tasted
And trust me;
In 20 stone's time, you'll look back at photos of yourself,
And recall in a way,
You can't grasp now, how much food you've actually eaten
And how small your trousers really looked.
You are already fatter than you imagine. Don't worry about the cholesterol
Or worry that heart attack prevention
Is as effective as trying to barbeque soup over an open coal burner.
The real troubles in life are apt to be things that never crossed your hungry mind;
The fact that supermarkets shut at 4pm, on the dot, Sundays. Do one thing every day that scares you;
Weigh yourself. Try taking food from other people's plates,
Don't put up with people who take food from yours
Chew.
Don't waste your time on microwaving.
Sometimes you're baking,
Sometimes you're braising;
The task is hard, but in the end, you will enlarge yourself. Enjoy the takeaway curries you order,
Ignore the ring-burn.
If you succeed in doing this,
Tell me how. Keep your old shopping bags.
Throw away your old coke bottles.
Recycle. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with the cutlery.
The most obese people I know
Didn't know at 22 which dish to eat with each fork.
Some of the most flatulent 40 year olds I know
Still don't. Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your lower bowel;
You'll miss it when it's gone. Maybe you'll diet,
Maybe you wont.
Maybe you'll have seconds,
Maybe you wont.
Maybe you'll be dead by 40.
Maybe you'll eat cheese cake and ice cream on your 75th birthday.
Whatever you do
Don't limit your intake too much
Or become bulmenic either.
Heartburn is a fact of life,
As is food poisoning. Enjoy your beans.
Use them every way you can.
Don't be afraid of frog's legs,
Or what other people think of them;
It's the greatest amphibian you'll ever taste. Eat.
Even if you are embarrassed to do so except in secret.
Follow cooking instructions;
Even if you don't believe them. Always read recipe magazines;
They will often make you feel hungry.
Get to know your corner shop;
You never know when it will be gone for good.
Be nice to Vegans;
They're the best recommenders of pulses
And the people most likely to hand over some meat in the future.
Understand that cafes may come and go
But every one should be visited once.
Plan well to eat between your breakfast and lunch time;
Remember that to increase your size
The more you need to eat than when you were young. Eat a fry-up once a day,
But stop before your arteries harden.
Eat Rivetta biscuits at least once,
But not if they're too soft. Shop.
Accept certain inalienable truths;
Packets get smaller,
Sweetcorn doesn't digest,
You too will get fat.
And as you do
You'll fantasise that when you were lighter;
Food was cheaper,
Biscuits tasted better
And Wagon Wheels were twice the size they are now. Visit your supermarket. Don't expect anyone else to feed you.
Maybe you have some chocolate biscuits,
Maybe you have money-off coupons
But you never know when either one
Might run out. Don't mess too much with your diet
Or by the time you're 40 stone
You'll look like 80.
Be careful whose burgers you buy
And be patient with those who supply them.
Burgers are of limited nutritional value;
Cooking them
Is a way of separating microbes from the offal,
Adding limited flavour,
Burning off the fatty parts
And selling them for more than they're worth.
But trust me on the gateau.
Inspired by Bass Lerman ( "Everyone's free to wear sun-screen" )
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