Well, I've got nothing against D&D; I know people who have played the
table-top game, some who dress up in costumes and fight it out for real ( with
rubber weaponry of course ), I got captivated by the Eye of the Beholder
series of computer based role playing games and I've written my own
on-line adventure game, so that hasn't
clouded my opinion of the genre.I've enjoyed the TV series of Hercules and Xena and even coped
with Schwarzenegger as Conan.
In my book, there's nothing wrong with a good dose of fantasy, adventure and
action; providing its done well or at least entertainingly. I loved Hawk the
Slayer and Dark Crystal.
Unfortunately, Dungeons and Dragons is down in a league of its own.
From the moment Snails opened his mouth, I thought, "Jar Jar Binx", but put that
aside until, seconds later, we have princess Amilda popping
up, and the horrible truth dawned - This is the Star Wars
appreciation society film of the year.
With its own version of Darth Maul and the light-sabre fight, the only thing
missing was the Lucas trademark wipes on scene transitions.
The parody never really worked, nor did the placement of the lead characters
taking their 'out of character personas' into the film itself. Had this been
played out as a 'down the line', action-adventure-fantasy, then it may have had
some merit, but even then it was mortally flawed.
The soundtrack was truly atrocious. Vader alone knows what happened to the
dialogue during or post production, but something was drastically wrong. There
were the odd moments of clarity, but most dialogue was muffled, of variable
volume and sometimes plain inaudible. Bumping the background noises and
incidental music soundtrack up, didn't help disguise the problems.
The credits for sound ( including Sound Design - really, honest ! ) were pretty
long; presumably these now stand as a testimony to those who will never work
in the industry again.
The screenplay had potential, after all, there's a rich tapestry of work to be
drawn on from the D&D world, but it never got beyond the most simplistic
of plot; unlikely heroes become engaged in saving the planet - sorry, world -
have a few encounters with The Nasties, win, get the treasure,
save the world, and, presumably, live happily ever after, disappearing into the
sunset ready for the sequel, or perhaps even a prequel.
Most of the sets were pretty excellent, but it's always a worry when one starts
noticing the set design; it means the on-screen action is being ignored. And
that's because it was just so dull.
Some of the set pieces were okay, but the whole storyline seemed to have great
chunks missing. One minute our heroes are being taken captive by the pretty
looking Elven lady, the next they're leading an assault on some castle.
Having unleashed some fire breathing dragon's on the opposition, the Princess
appears to be concerned at what she's done, calls them back, only to re-appear,
in the next scene, riding a dragon into the jaws of the enemy.
Had the editing all been done on the basis of rolling a d6 ?
The hardest part of criticising the editing is trying to remember what was in
the film at all. There are few films so mind numbingly boring that it's
impossible to recall the last hour and a half, ten minutes after leaving the
cinema.
Perhaps it was because it had all been done before, in Star Wars and
elsewhere, but there was nothing which proved exciting. The fight scenes were
nothing special, the plot was mundane, the editing suspect.
The cast was particularly bloated with the introduction of characters who did
nothing throughout the film. Presumably, these characters are going to be far
more important in the sequel ( start campaigning to stop it now ).
Unfortunately these characters were dragged around as little more than baggage,
in some cases literally, and did nothing to enhance the film, its plot or our
enjoyment.
What did the Dwarf do, other than eat chicken ?
What role does the Elven tart play, other than to become the love of Snails
life, when we discover he's not really dead, and is actually an Elf himself ?
Everyone must have twigged they're the only two black people in the film, that
Snails never showed his ears, and always kept the 'ears' of his cap pointed up.
You didn't ? Oh dear, I've spoilt it for you now, haven't I ?
Missee Mage didn't do a lot either, and the director tossed away a golden
opportunity when she threw her magic, sparkly sawdust in the air, and opened a
magic tunnel straight through the wall of a castle, a few hundred feet above
ground. Me; I'd have dropped them all to their deaths as they leapt through, and
ended the film there.
This may have been a film targeted at children, but where was the adult content,
the great stuff which goes over the kids' heads but keeps their parents amused
and entertained ? Have the producers not twigged why so many males watch
Xena and are starting to queue for Tomb Raider, whilst their
opposite numbers curl up to watch Hercules get his shirt off ?
How this came to be a feature film is beyond me, it would have been much better
suited to a slot on children's television. There's a rumour that the film's
been ten years in the making - That's a tragedy, to waste a decade on something
so utterly c--p at the end of the day.
It has been one of the most disappointing films I have seen.
The most prophetic line comes from the beginning of the film; "This has gotta
be some twisted magic experiment gone seriously wrong".
Too true.
