Jade Goody - Big Brother Super Star

The difference between genius and stupidity is that there is no limit to stupidity Albert Einstein		Name : Jade Goody Age : 21 Place of Birth : Bermondsey, London Occupation : Dental Assistant IQ Rating : Too low to measure Jade Goody, the youngest contestant to appear on Channel 4's Reality TV show Big Brother, is one of the country's best example of why people should pay attention when in school. Jade achieved instant fame when she entered the Big Brother House located at Elstree Studio in Hertfordshire, as soon as she opened her mouth. Deafening was the only suitable adjective which could be applied; this girl has a mouth like the Rotherhithe Tunnel. Putting oneself under the spotlight of a television audience for 60-odd days, twenty four hours a day, is always a risk but does guarantee a little more than fifteen minutes of fame. The down-side is that you can guarantee that more people will hate you when you come out than you could ever imagine. It didn't take the tabloids long to start digging for dirt, and soon the whole country knew her mum was a one armed, alleged lesbian and her dad was serving a stretch at Her Majesty's pleasure. And then the nude pictures appeared. Jade, blissfully unaware of what was going on in the outside world, did calm down a little, and her vocal volume dropped a notch, much to the relief of many, fellow housemates included. Unaffected by the fact that millions were watching her every move, Jade carried on as if she was in a Pontin's holiday home for a couple of weeks. Perhaps that's what she really thought was going on, but in truth, there were many who didn't believe she could think at all. Jokes about 'brain donors' are the least of her worries; she is her own worse enemy. This girl really does give 'dumb blondes' a bad name. On the plus side, she may wipe out every 'Essex Girl' joke there has been in a stroke, but only to find that the country is telling 'Jade' jokes when she gets out. Jade may have an NVQ in Administration, but people have always believed that NVQ's are completely worthless and a measure of nothing; Not Very Qualified has always been the rumour. Having heard Jade's ramblings, and words of wit and wisdom, I believe she was either awarded the NVQ because the examiner couldn't wait to get out, or Administration is one the easiest jobs on the planet. If Jade can get qualifications and a job, then there is hope for everyone who is on the dole, and the prospects look bright even for evolving amoebas. It's a cruel world out there, and Jade is being picked on now, not only because of her loud voice and ability to speak at over 120 words a minute, but because of her complete ignorance, and obvious lack of intelligence. Starting off with "What's a Sparagus ?", and the classic question, "What's an intellectual ?", Jade has finally knocked the nail in her IQ coffin during a conversation with another Big Brother housemate, Spencer. Spencer is a 22 year old assistant in a ski shop in Cambridge, and spends his summers punting people along the River Cam. Obviously, this is just far too much for Jade to comprehend, and she asked Spencer to explain. What followed was one of the most classic pieces of live conversation a TV audience has ever witnessed. It is truly unbelievably ... Jade : They don't do that in the Thames though, do they ? Spencer :   No. I don't work on the Thames though do I. I work in Cambridge. Jade : Is there not the Thames there ? Spencer : No ! Jade : Oh. I thought the Thames went there. Spencer : No. Jade : What ? So you work in Cambridge, on a little river bank or somefink ? Spencer : Yes ... on a little river bank. Jade : Why - is there a river called the Cambridge river ? Spencer : Yeah, it's called the Cam. Jade : Really ? You swear ? I only thought there was the Thames. I thought that was the main one in London. Spencer : It is. I don't live in London. Jade : I'm confused. I thought Cambridge was ... Spencer : That Cambridge was in London ? Jade : Yeah. I knew Birmingham weren't in London. I thought Cambridge was in London. Spencer : Would you like to go and tell the group what you just said ? Jade : No ... Spencer : You thought Cambridge was in London ? Jade : Yeah. I thought it was just a bit out. In London, but a bit out. You know you've got Bermondsy, Lewisham and all them sort of places; I thought that Cambridge was in London, but a different place. Spencer : Cambridge is a city. Jade : But we've got the city in London. Spencer : Yes. The city is called London. And there's different parts of it. Cambridge is a city. Jade : Of where ? Kent ? Jade : Well England's a country, London's a city, Bermondsey's just a throw-off. Now where are you ? What's your country, and what's your things ? I'm confused. Spencer : What country am I from ? England. The city is called Cambridge, the county Cambridgeshire. Jade : So it's not Kent then ? Spencer : No ... The region is called East Anglia. Jade : East Anglia ? That's abroad. Is there not a place called East Anglia abroad ? Spencer : Jade, have you been taking the stupid pills again ? Jade : Every time people tell me they work in East Anglia, I actually think they're talking about near Tunisia and places like that. Am I thick ? Spencer : Well, I hate to say it; but ... Jade : No ! Spencer : ... you are. Jade : Cos Scottish and Irish and all that comes under England, doesn't it ? Spencer : No ... They come under Great Britain. Scotland and Wales have their own flags. Northern Ireland and Ireland are different. Jade : So they're not together ? Where's Berlin ? What can one say ? This is the stuff that Urban Legends are made of ( or in the case of Jade - Urban Leg Ends ), but, every single word of this, albeit abridged, conversation is true. You can hear most of the conversation on this captured MP3 ( 1.5MB ). Can anyone really be this stupid, thick, or lacking in intelligence ? Obviously they can, but it has come as a surprise to many people. Britain has always prided itself on its education system and its reasonably high literacy rates, and now we have a fine example of what life would be like without a formal education or when standards drop. The frightening thing is that many younger people think that Jade is "Wickid", and some sort of model to look up to. If they think that Jade represents the pinnacle of human evolution then we're going to be in deep trouble in a few years time. If there is inter-galactic life around; let's hope they don't land near a dental surgery in Bermondsey when they do come to seek us out. I fear that the ray guns would be switched from 'stun' to 'kill' faster than you could say, "Is that one of them Vauxhall XR3 Y's then ?"
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Confucius says, "Today, I am nominating myself for eviction"

First published on Monday the 10th of June, 2002 at 13:54:33 Last upload was on Wednesday the 7th of January, 2004 at 04:14:55